I once defended myself in court and cross-examined the police officer who put me there.
In the mid to late 90’s I used to have a season ticket at Blackburn Rovers Football Club, at the time a very successful team, having just won the Premier League, the stadium was full and lots of people travelled from far and wide to the ground on match days, mostly by car. This is what landed me in court.
The area round Ewood is like many stadiums in the UK, built in the late 19th/early 20th century in areas that were either already built up, or soon would be. Back to back housing, narrow streets built before cars were commonplace (never mind 2 or 3 car families) and the residents in these areas used to hate matchdays as they knew they would struggle parking.
Most used to just scowl at you through their window, the odd one would tell you not to park outside their house and while I had some sympathy for them, they knew the football ground was there when they moved in …
One game, I can’t remember the opponents, I borrowed by brother in law’s car and parked in my normal spot, on Crosby Road behind the ground. The road has houses on one side and a grassed area on the other and we would normally park on the grass side. This time there were cones out down the side with houses. Some were police cones, others looked like they’d come from a school playground or junior football coaches kit bag. They didn’t look official but they were on the other side of the road so that was fine.
After the match we returned to the car and several other drivers looking confused. The whole line of cars had got a parking ticket and the cones had all disappeared. Something wasn’t right. All the other cones in the area were still there … the police were busy escorting supporters to their train or coaches, they hadn’t started to clear up yet.
After a bit of discussion between drivers we decided that one or more of the residents had come up with a scheme to deter people parking on their street as residents only parking wasn’t really a thing back then. They put the cones out, moved them to the side with parked cars and removed them once they had all received their tickets. A piece of shithousery I can admire, if you were involved I doff my cap to you!
This was the dawn of the digital camera though! One of the unlucky motorists caught out by the residents ruse had a camera with him and took photos of the street, sans cones, we all gave him our email addresses and once he’d downloaded them he distributed them.
I printed the photos & sent them off as evidence and contested the ticket. One by one the other victims emailed a reply to say their ticket had been rescinded … I however got a court date!
I’d never been to court before. I put my best (only) suit on and my least jazzy tie … I don’t think my Beavis and Butthead or Simpsons ties would have gone down too well. I took all the documentation I had, including my copy of the photos. Blackburn Magistrates Court is a lovely, imposing old building built in 1912, adjoining the old police station and King Georges Hall.
When it was my case’s turn to be heard I entered the court room and was met by the clerk of the court. i was defending myself and she explained it was her job to make sure I followed the right procedure. There was the council’s solicitor, the police officer who I assume issued the tickets and someone else sat at the back of the court. I vaguely recognised him from my Dad’s cricket club. He denies it, but I assume he’d sent him to make sure I didn’t get deported by doing something stupid. We were told to stand and the 3 magistrates entered their court room.
The timeline of events from then on are a bit vague, I assume because of the adrenaline rush I was on. I presented my photo’s as evidence and one of the magistrates asked if I’d sent them when I contested the case. “Yes” I replied and the council’s solicitor looked ruffled and hastily shuffled through the pile of papers on her table … but couldn’t find them. The magistrates looked annoyed.
Next the officer who issued the tickets was asked to give evidence and explained that he’d ridden down the road on his bike saw the cars parked in contravention of something or other and issued us all tickets. I showed him my photos and asked him if there were any cones in them …
“Yes, if you look closely at this photo there is a cone at the bottom of the road”
… que the Perry Mason music …
Shit. I hadn’t seen that cone. Remember this was an early digital camera, maybe 648×480 resolution at best. I couldn’t even tell if it was a police cone or a goal post from a game of football in the street.
I thought for a moment, it probably looked dramatic to those in the room and then I asked …
“How far either side of the cone does the restriction apply?”
“I don’t know” replied the officer.
I had no more questions, I’d established that there were no cones present, the other ticketed had all had theirs cancelled and that the officer didn’t know how far restrictions applied from cones at the kerb. I was reasonably confident I’d won.
We stood, the magistrates left the room. My arse had barely touched the seat when we were asked to stand again and the 3 magistrates returned.
“We find in favour of the defendant” is what I think they said, or words to that effect. They stood, we all left and on the way out my backup solicitor said “Well done” and that was it. No deportation to Australia for me!